


Welcome to Bedlam

by dyad (johnnycake)



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen, Suicide mention, disordered eating mention, self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 16:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18995929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnycake/pseuds/dyad
Summary: Rae is in a new place. Time to make friends.





	Welcome to Bedlam

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Ten Minutes to Tea Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8335672) by [saphirehope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saphirehope/pseuds/saphirehope). 



> eyyyy another fic i had to remix!! as always pls go read the original!! and give the author kudos!! i'm hoping i can figure out more ideas for this fandom cause i really am enjoying writing for it.

One week, two days, twelve hours, and five minutes...give or take a minute or two.

That was how long Rae had been trapped in the hell hole that was the mental ward in the hospital located only a few miles from her house.

She’d started out in the ICU after she’d accidentally-on-purpose cut too deep. That was what she’d been spending her nights doing the last several months. It was the only way to get the nasty thoughts that ran through her mind to shut up.

After several days and several more blood transfusions in the ICU, she’d been transferred to the mental ward at the suggestion of the doctor during what they called a ‘family meeting’, which had really just been a meeting with her mother, since her father had walked out on them when she was just a kid. Her mother had agreed with the doctor and Rae honestly still wasn’t sure if it was because she really cared or because she knew how it would look if something like this happened again.

Honestly compared to home, the mental ward really wasn’t that bad. It was actually kind of nice, getting away from everything. But...really what was there to get away from except her own circulating bad thoughts? It wasn’t like she had any friends anymore. She and Chloe hadn’t been speaking really for months now and she barely even saw her mother with the way she worked nights and Rae was gone at school all during the day.

The thought struck her in the middle of the day – the thought no one wanted to be her friend, no one even wanted her around – and it made her feel pathetic, made tears fill her eyes and her breath catch in her throat and she staggered through the halls, looking desperately for an escape until finally she shoved her way into the first bathroom she saw, ignoring the eyes of the other patients on her.

 _Even in the looney bin, I’m a looney,_ she thought miserably.

She stumbled into the open middle stall, slamming the door shut so hard the stall rattled, dropping the lid of the toilet so loud it echoed, and collapsing so heavily on top of it she could feel it make her entire body shake.

She put her face in her hands so she wouldn’t have to see her gigantic thighs or her bulging stomach. But her fat fingers still felt her chubby face and that just made her cry that much harder.

 _I’m so stupid_ , she thought. _So, so, so fucking stupid._

She wished now more than ever that her mother _hadn’t_ found her bleeding on her floor, hadn’t called an ambulance, hadn’t sent her here. She wished she’d died. Then her misery would be over. Then she wouldn’t be trapped here, forced to think about all the reasons why this happened, why she felt this way, why it might happen again.

_Because nothing changes. Nothing will change. When I go home, it’ll be the same thing all over again. Over and over again. Until I finally die._

Everything felt so utterly hopeless.

What was the point?

“Tissue?”

The voice was soft, gentle, tentative, but it was so startling and unexpected Rae still yelped and jumped nearly a foot in the air.

“I’m sorry!” the small voice gasped in response. “I-I didn’t mean to scare you!”

 _They_ _sound more afraid than me,_ Rae thought, still trying to wrap her head around the fact she wasn’t alone in the bathroom after all. Someone had been hearing her cry all this time.

Her eyes darted down and she saw a hand as small as the voice sticking out from under the side of the bathroom stall. There was a bit of toilet paper held between the first and second fingers of the hand. It was shaking slightly. Rae wasn’t sure if it was from the effort of holding their hand there or from the fear she’d heard in their voice.

Swallowing, her own fingers shaking, she reached down and took the tissue. The hand darted away instantly, disappearing back into the other stall. “I’m sorry I scared you,” the frightened voice said again. “I guess I thought you would want some comfort. You sounded so sad.”

Rae sniffled, trying not to start crying again at the kindness. Most people made fun of her, most people were just mean to her, but this person was kind and they couldn’t even see her face.

 _Maybe that’s the reason why,_ she thought, just as miserable as before. _If they saw what you look like, they’d make fun of you instead._

“What’s your name?” the voice asked quietly.

“Rae.”

“Oh, are you new? I don’t think I’ve heard of or met you before.”

“Yeah,” Rae replied, misery seeping back into her tone as she wiped her face and blew her nose. “Yeah, I’m new.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Rae paused, then shook her head. “No.”

Silence. Then finally, “You know, that door comes off the hinges a lot. People don’t use this bathroom, really. The only toilet that works is the one on the end. Well, the middle one works too, but the door doesn’t. Kind of hard to use the loo when you think someone might walk in and see you with your knickers down.”

Rae smiled. “Then why are you in here?”

“This stall is warmer than the others. And I don’t want to go out there. Not looking like _this_.”

Rae drew her brows together. “Like what?”

“I’m fat. Really fat. I watch my weight and workout a lot, but...it never helps anything.”

The answer came so quick that Rae was shocked, but she could relate. After all wasn’t that part of the reason she was in here to begin with herself? “How much do you weigh?”

There was a long silence. Then in a whisper Rae couldn’t quite here, “Too much.”

“What?”

No answer.

Rae took a breath. “Well, what’s your name?”

“Oh, I’m Tix,” the voice said, the tone perking up slightly. “Or Tixy, I guess. That’s what my mum calls me.” Rae couldn’t help noticing the rueful way this last bit was said and something about it told her something wasn’t quite right. She distrusted Tix’s mother immediately.

Rae tried again. “You been here long?”

“Mhm,” Tix replied. Then added, “It gets better you know. The ward. You get used to it. You make friends, even. At least, I assume so. I don’t really have any friends.”

“Why not?” Rae asked, surprised. “You seem lovely, Tixy!”

There was a _shush_ ing sound, like fabric being rubbed against the stall door and Rae figured Tix’s head must have been shaken. “No. People don’t like me. No one likes me.”

Tix said this in such a matter-of-fact tone that Rae’s heart broke. She knew how Tix felt, but the way Tix said it like it was just a fact of life made it worse.

“ _I_ like you,” Rae replied.

The bathroom was quiet for a moment, then, in a soft hopeful voice, Tix asked, “You do? Really? You’re not messing with me?”

“Of course not,” Rae said. “I mean it. I wouldn’t mess with you like that.”

Tix let out a soft giggle. It sounded like bells. Rae smiled. She meant what she’d said. She hadn’t even seen Tix yet, but she didn’t feel she needed to. Tix was lovely.

There was a buzzing and Rae stood. It was the lunch bell. “I’m starved,” she said. “Wanna come with me to the cafeteria? I always sit alone. It would be nice to have a friend.”

Another silence. Then, “Yeah, I suppose.”

Rae unlocked her stall door. It hung sideways on its hinges after being slammed so hard shut. Tix was right. The door was damaged.

Rae waited outside of the other stall for Tix.

The stall unlocked and opened a crack revealing a very short, very, _very_ thin girl with short brown hair and deep brown eyes. She wore a black sweater that was much too big for her and a pair of plaid pajama pants. There were deep dark circles under her eyes and her skin was deathly pale.

Rae was honestly surprised she expected the voice she’d heard under the bathroom stall to belong to anyone looking any different.

“Well, if you’re a fatty, then you can call me skinny,” Rae blurted out without thinking.

But Tix smiled, temporarily erasing the exhaustion that seemed engraved into her features. “Okay, Skinny,” she said quietly.

“Let’s go get lunch, Fatty,” Rae replied.

She wondered if the word hurt Tix’s feelings, but she only smiled more widely.

It wasn’t until they got to the cafeteria that Rae remembered her fear of being disliked once Tix saw her, but by then she’d realized that was a stupid fear. Tix really was lovely and liked her just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> in case you don't know, bedlam is a famous mental hospital in england, which is where the title comes from. the real title is not actually bedlam. bedlam is the nickname, but ya girl forgot the real name, so we're using the nickname cause it's the one that's popularized anyway *shrug emoji*


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